I am featuring my colleague and friend Kier Berkel, LPCMH, NCC. He is an African American Licensed Psychotherapist with specialties in Mood Disorders, Marriage and Family Counseling, and Marital Therapy. He is happily married to his wife of 14 years and the couple has one daughter. He is our feature speaker for our RESET My Marriage Too Valentine Weekend Getaway 2011. Here is what Kier has to say:
As a licensed psychotherapist, and being happily married for 14 years, I encounter a lot of married couples who find themselves in dire situations regarding their relationships. “I never knew they were like this….” Or, “he/she changed”, or, “I never noticed this (fill in the blank) before.” After I go through the so called “preliminaries” of asking structured/standardized questions about every intimate, personal, aspect of their relationship, I then ask the million dollar question. Have you ever had some type of pre-marital counseling before you got married? Unfortunately, I am no longer surprised when the answer is no. Let me first begin by saying that I have been married for over 14 years, but I can honestly say that if I had pre-marital counseling before I got married; I would not be married today. Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife dearly, but I had no idea what I was getting myself into; and at times as our relationship continues to develop, I still have no idea.
In regards to relationships, being married or thinking about getting married; some type of therapeutic intervention is highly recommended. Either you are going to receive therapy to enhance the relationship, thus lowering the chances of divorce or receive therapy to save the relationship. If you are considering marriage, I would choose the latter. Since I started my practice in 2008, I have only had one instance in which I treated a couple who was considering marriage. I can count how many couples I had treated who were trying to save their marriage. Now of course there are excuses on why a couple can not engage in pre-marital therapy. “We don’t have time!” I heard a couple say, or “This is my soul mate”, or “I’ve never felt like this with anyone before!” and believe me there are countless other excuses. One thing we may want to consider is that when we meet a person for the first time, he/she is not the “real person.” The real person reveals him/her self maybe after the first two years. Pre-marital therapy will enable (if both participants are open and honest, and the therapist is good) each other to “discover” the real person.
Issues that may come up are concerns that everyone should want to know about their possible mate, like:
• How do you communicate
• Have you ever had a criminal record
• How do you display anger
• Do you have emotional problems
• What health problems run in your family
• How do you handle conflict
• What type of family did you come from
• Do I have trust or insecurity issues
• Are you jealous
• What do you like/dislike about me
• What type of personality do you display
• What are your life goals or aspirations
• What are your views on parenting
• How do you handle money
• Are gifts important
• How do you show affection
These are just some examples of issues that are important to most couples, but conveniently do not come up, during the “infatuation stage” of most relationships. In closing, choosing to become involved in a long term meaningful relationship is a rewarding endeavor, but if time is not considered to prepare for this life changing event, it could develop into a huge detriment!
Kier A. Berkel, LPCMH
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